I’ve never parented a middle schooler before, but it’s happening. It reminds me of the day we left the hospital when he was born. I thought, “I can’t believe they’re letting us be responsible for this whole human.” Back then it was simply eating and breathing but now it feels like we’re up against the whole world. At this stage of life, I have become a coach instead of the dictator that was necessary in the early years. His peers are becoming his main source of information and he’s eager to flex his independence. I have decided to focus on three words to get us through this first year: preparation, trust, and love.
The first eleven years of his life were all based on survival. What will he need to live separately from me…when that time comes? In the beginning it was lessons in walking and talking. In elementary school we focused on reading, writing, and socializing. In middle school, we will prepare him for a whole new side of life. At this age, he will be introduced to adult topics for which he has no frame of reference. I am responsible for preparing him with age appropriate truths. Porn is not real sex. Drugs will kill you. People have harder lives than you and your privileged friends can ever imagine. Also, the human body is amazing and can grow whole families. Jesus drank wine. There are ways to be kind and helpful to those that need it the most. I pledge to be honest, direct, and proactive with him. If I do not prepare him with the facts, he will believe anything those 7th graders tell him (no, not every girl in your school is on her period at the same time).
It seems like so many parenting decisions are made out of fear: fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of danger. This year, I am going to choose trust. I choose to trust my child and myself. He will do bone-head middle school things, I am sure, but this is growing up. I am going to trust in his decision making. I am also going to trust my parenting. I taught him what he knows, and I have provided what I can up to this point. I am going to trust that my parenting skills have improved over the years. I will follow quietly behind him as he steps slowly towards independence. There will be missteps. They are as important as the successes. How else can he learn to recover? As he regains his balance, he will learn to trust himself and know that I will be there when he needs help, but he can do it on his own.
Love will be an active daily choice. Middle school comes with so much pressure and the most change. Their bodies, their relationships, their brains, their routines, their expectations are all in full upheaval. He will need a safe space to be a full and complete goober. When he is tired from trying to maintain a new normal that he does not fully understand, I will offer him unconditional understanding and love in which to fully unwind and meltdown. Grace will be given, and apologies will be accepted. We will take the time to be silly and uncensored. We will take time to rest and hide. We will offer love.
Do you remember 6th grade? What do you remember of your parents from that time? I would argue it probably is not much beyond discipline. You remember the fight you had with your friend, or maybe your first kiss or first dance. I remember the first time I saw a peer smoke a cigarette. Those full life experiences are happening to the next round of kiddos, and we cannot hide them from it. We can coach them through it. We can prepare them for these things. We can trust that together we will thrive. We can love them through it all.
Alexandra Beaver is such a delight and an inspiration to all women. I’ve known her since … well, before she was born, her dad and I are cousins. I’ve watched her mature into the woman that she is today. Even though she resides in Texas, we deemed her an Oklahoman by proxy due to her deep family roots here in southern Oklahoma. Upon reading her story as it unfolded, I knew she was a great fit for Oklahoma WIT Magazine. Come Sunday morning, you can find her sipping coffee and snuggling with one of her kids.
During her down time, she loves going to see any type of live music. She also loves getting swept away by one of her favorite authors, Diana Galbadon, in the ‘Outlander’ series, which is written in the historical Scottish Highlands.
Working for a tax consultant agency, Alex’s WIT has her asking all the questions in order to get things done. She’s a problem solver, which is a must-have characteristic in today’s world.
She has two personal goals. One is to become a certified Professional in Human Resources. The other one is to do ten consecutive pushups. And to her I say, “Go for it! We believe in you.”